And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
