i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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