Plan B is the new Plan A
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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