I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
