The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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