i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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