I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
