The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
