So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
