I could make wine with my vomit
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
