i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
