Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
