Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
