Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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