Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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