My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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