i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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