he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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