at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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