He kissed a someone with a penis
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
