Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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