and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
