i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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