I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
