Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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