you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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