i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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