My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
it hurts more in the daytime
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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