I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
