Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
