I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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