Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
