I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
