the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
