i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
