you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
