Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My vagina just clenched in fear
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