Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
