I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
