We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
