she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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