just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
