Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
