saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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