It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
