Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
