she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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