Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
