i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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