i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
