Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
