some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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