why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
