Jerry, you need to find god
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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