So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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