I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
