i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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