Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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